I messed up. The clicker sounded. I knew it was coming. Feedback is part of the process. It was my first and last “um” of the speech. I was delivering an impromptu “Table Topic” speech at Toastmasters.
Toastmasters uses active and impartial feedback to help speakers improve. “Um”, “so”, “and” are utterances that can receive a click. All speech issues are counted and reported on. Feedback comes in either real-time or before the one-hour meeting completes.
Later in the day I met my kids and nephew for t-ball practice. Ellie, one of my twins, was whining. She said Aaron, her nephew, is being a bully. I asked him, “Are you being a bully?” He said, “No.” I asked Ellie what happened, ” He said I cry too much and that I’m lazy because I don’t want to carry things.” I paused. It was a parental moment when I didn’t know what to do.
I told her, “You do tend to cry a lot.” She insisted she didn’t as she whined and cried. I told her it was feedback. It wasn’t good or bad. The world is telling her something about her behavior.
We proceeded to have a 10-minute conversation with huffing, puffing, whining, crying and eye-rolling as she fought against carrying her lunch bag with her water bottle. She was proving her nephew’s point.
I started counting how many times Ellie cried for the rest of the night. Generally, we focus on positive reinforcement. I saw this as an opportunity for continued impartial feedback. She said it annoyed her. I told her it was to help her see how often she chose to cry.
For at least 20 years, the mantra of business is “more, better, faster, for less.” The mantra produces useful constraints in some cases. More often, it means more scope across fewer people with less direction and less feedback. It’s difficult to perform when you don’t know how you’re performing. It’s like driving without a speedometer, darkly-tinted windshield, soft brakes and a steering wheel with a lot of play. Feedback comes in the form of accidents. It’s expensive to correct.
At the end of the Toastmasters meeting, they reported on my speech defects. In one minute and 48 seconds, I said “um” once, “so” four times, “and” twice, and I used 2 crutch words. The feedback wasn’t painful. It was matter of fact. It was specific. It was timely. It was constructive. I could process it and improve from it because it was about a specific, discrete performance.
I decided to join Toastmasters. A main reason for my decision is the feedback. It’s a rare gift. It would be foolish for me to not receive it.
Are you giving the people in your life the feedback they need to get better?
